When I set up this site a few years ago, I thought it was going to be the start of something special. My own platform to write about whatever I liked, whenever I liked. Not about building a brand or an online presence but just a place to capture and order my thoughts as I went about my life.
Roll forward four years and I have written so little here that I am beginning to question if it is worth renewing my domain and hosting subscription the next time it comes around. So why the writer’s block?
I am in awe of those whose lives are so busy or whose thoughts are so profound that they find the time and energy to write on a daily basis. It’s not that my head is empty; if anything, there are too many thoughts, too many emotions flying around in there (see Give your mind a break!) just that I lack that something that compels me to capture these in writing. Or, at least, to capture these in this form of writing.
Is it because I am fundamentally worried about writing something that reveals too much about me? I have pondered this a lot recently as a result of a leadership development programme I am on. Every time the focus of the particular session turns to talking about ourselves I get a familiar knot in my stomach. Ask me to talk about something or someone else, no problem, I would happily blather on for hours on end. Ask me to talk about me and I’m like a rabbit in the headlights. In fact, I wonder if the session earlier this week has given me the impetus to get something written down here today? It was about the power of story telling and using stories as a call to action, to get others to sign up to your cause and lend their support. By the time the facilitator had started to tell us her story, I started to feel very uncomfortable, knowing that my turn was coming soon, albeit talking with just one other person. As it turned out, the colleague I was assigned to in the break-out room did a great job of teasing out my thoughts and I came up with a story of a genuine life experience about supportive and timely access to services that indeed has shaped my values and driven me throughout my career.
Interestingly, I am drawn to telling stories through writing and those who have read my work tell me that the stories and characters in them reveal a lot about me, more so than I had thought when writing them. Is this the light bulb moment? That is, I don’t like to blog as the interaction between me and the reader is too direct? There is no filter of fiction and make believe to allow me to truly open up?
I will reflect on that and, who knows, I might be back again before too long.