Japan, Writing

Washing Over Me: Chapter 2

第 二 章

11 March 2011 07:15

I could tell that it was time to get up and start getting ready for school as the sun had begun shining through a small gap in the curtains where I had not closed them fully the night before. It was cold outside and cold in the house but really warm in my bed.

 ‘Kimiko, it’s already past seven o’clock,’ Okāsan called up to me. ‘Wake up please!’

Just five more minutes, I thought to myself, head and body buried under a thick down quilt and two blankets.

If I wasn’t so hungry, and if the wonderful smell from her cooking hadn’t begun drifting up the stairs and under the bedroom door, I might have tried to sneak five minutes more but with a deep breath I threw back the covers and swung my legs out of bed and onto the floor. Wriggling out of my thick winter pyjamas, I shivered as the cold hit me but this made me move quickly and heave a thick grey sweater over my head and then pull on and fasten my jeans. The wool socks I had slept in last night weren’t coming off until later. I can’t stand having cold feet.

I opened the door and walked down the steep flight of wooden stairs into the open plan living room and kitchen.

Ohayō gozaimasu,’ Okāsan greeted me with a big smile and her usual cheerful voice. ‘Did you sleep well?’ 

‘Morning,’ I replied, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. ‘Yes, I slept well, thanks.’

Breakfast was my favourite: grilled salmon, tamago-yaki sweet rolled omelette, nattō fermented soya beans, rice and miso soup. Many of my friends favoured a more Western-style breakfast of cereal or even toast with sausages and eggs, laughing at my preference for something very Japanese but then they hadn’t tasted Okāsan’s tamago-yaki which was to die for. I began devouring the food just put in front of me. In just ten minutes, I had eaten the lot and washed it all down with a cup of green tea from my favourite red and white Hello Kitty mug.

‘Don’t forget Kimiko that I have to work late tonight so you’ll have to let yourself into the house after school,’ she said. ‘I’ll set the rice cooker before I leave and there’s some leftover beef and vegetable stir-fry in the fridge for you to heat up in the microwave. Do you think that you’ll be OK?’

‘Mum, I’m ten years old now and this is not the first time that you’ve had to work late, is it?’

‘I know, but I’ll always think of you as my little baby,’ she said as she walked across the room and kissed me on the head.

Gochisōsama deshita ‘Thanks for cooking,’ I said as I got down from the table and went to the bathroom to have a quick wash, straighten out my hair, which was sticking out badly from where I had slept on it, and to clean my teeth.

It was approaching eight o’clock and I would have to leave shortly so I ran upstairs to change out of my sleeping socks and put on fresh ones for school. I grabbed my rucksack, hurried back down the stairs and, having given Okāsan a quick hug, put on my shoes in the genkan and opened the front door.

Ittekimasu! ‘I’m off now, see you later!’Itterasshai! ‘Have a good day!’

***

…I’ve got a blinding headache…

…can’t believe that it’s been over fifteen years since I last got out…

…I need a chance to stretch again…

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Japan, Writing

Washing Over Me: Chapter 1

第 一 章

24 August 2075

Kimiko Tanaka lay in her bed in a private room in a hospital in central Tokyo. She had been in a coma for the past three months following a serious haemorrhage to the left side of her brain that struck as she was preparing a simple dinner of grilled mackerel, miso soup, pickled daikon radish and rice for herself and her husband.

Shoichi sat at the bedside holding his wife’s hand as it lay on top of the smooth white sheet, staring at the face that had remained unchanged since that day, unchanged since he heard  the crash of  plates from the kitchen and came running to find Kimiko lying on the wooden floor. Outside, the heat and humidity of summer was oppressive, even late into the evening. Inside, the air was cool and dry.  The only sounds were the gentle hum of the air conditioner mounted on the wall and the slow rhythmic beep emitting from the machine keeping Kimiko alive.

 ‘When will you wake up, Kimiko?’ he asked in a weary voice that was nevertheless still laced with hope.

Each time he mouthed the question, he longed desperately to see her eyes open slowly, for a smile to form across her face and for the doctors and nurses to come running into the room to congratulate the patient on a remarkable against-the-odds recovery. But this was not a Hollywood film, it was real life and this time, like the hundreds of times before, his question went unanswered.

Shoichi checked the time – the projection on the wall showed 22:17 – and he knew that he should make a move to get home for some sleep.

‘Goodnight,’ he whispered and kissed her gently on the cheek, in the space between the ventilation tube supporting her breathing and the myriad of wires running around her face that were monitoring the activity of Kimiko’s brain.

He left the room and made his way along the corridor, with its shiny slate-grey linoleum floor and whitewashed walls, towards the overnight nurses’ station where he was bid farewell by a droid that watched over the entrance as well as monitoring the vital signs of all the patients under its care, ready to alert the medical teams who slept in pods, like bees in a hive, located away from the wards but still on the hospital site.

Ikebukuro station was a short walk away but in no time the light cotton summer shirt he was wearing had begun to stick to his body, especially his back. This year the rainy season had come late and even by mid-August the annual tsuyu was holding on. But the summer had finally arrived and all the moisture now hung in the ether as it evaporated from the sodden ground which made moving around in any non-climate-controlled environment an uncomfortable experience, rather like being stood, fully clothed, at the edge of a heated indoor swimming pool.

The transition from the relative darkness of night – his walk was punctuated by headlights from an occasional passing car and red paper lanterns hanging outside izakaya bars – into Ikebukuro station made his eyelids narrow as the bright overhead banks of LEDs and plethora of advertising images flooding into his pupils. Although he knew the way to the train, having done this journey many times before, he allowed himself to be led by the personalised under floor directional lighting, snaking from the entrance barrier to platform three to board the 22:38 Yamanote line train to Ueno where he would change to a Jōban line train to their home in central Mito.

The sleek metal tube glided into the station at 22:37 and as it did he recalled reading something in a newspaper recently that it had been twenty years since the last late arrival across the whole of Japan, such was the reliability of the fully-automated computer controlled and operated JR network. A minute later the train left Ikebukuro and Shoichi sat in the middle of a bench seat that ran the full length of the carriage. He spent the journey to Ueno staring at the window opposite him which, due to the dark, was like an elongated mirror in which all he could see was his own reflection. He noted that he looked tired, an empty shell such was his life at present. Once the train pulled into Ueno station, Shoichi stepped off the carriage and walked across the platform to board the Jōban line train that was already there waiting to depart.

The carriage he was now on was relatively empty, perhaps not surprising considering the time, and he was joined by about a dozen other passengers, mostly snoozing, as they made their way out through the sprawling suburbs of the metropolis into the wide open spaces of rice fields to the north east. As he began to fall asleep he could vaguely hear a conversation being held in what he guessed was English between two Caucasian foreign men also making their own journey from the sensory overload of Tokyo back to a slower-paced life in the countryside.

The vibration on his wrist shook Shoichi out of his slumber just seconds before the animated Den-Den customer host bowed respectfully and announced their arrival in Mito. The travel companion timepiece was a present from his wife to celebrate his seventieth birthday and retirement, given to him with more than a hint of mischief as he had, during his working life, frequently fallen asleep on the train home either from exhaustion as an overworked middle-manager or due to one too many beers at the end of the day, causing him to miss his stop and end up in Hitachi, six stations further north than his intended destination. He hadn’t needed it much since retiring but was grateful he hadn’t been left to sleep through tonight especially as he was on the last train and a ride back in a driver-less Navi-cab would have been an unnecessary expense and delay to getting home.

The doors opened noiselessly, he stepped off the train onto the platform, ascended the stairs to the exit gates which he passed through with a touch of his hand on the scanner and out again into the night. The station clock’s analogue hands showed just after midnight. The air smelt damp, heavy, and slightly rotten as he made his way up a shallow slope, heading back to their home which stood at the edge of Lake Senba, close to Kairakuen Park. There were a handful of karaoke bars and hostess pubs still open and the silence of the night was broken by an opening door through which passed a group of drunk but cheerful work colleagues who piled out onto the street in search of a steaming hot bowl of ramen noodles, gyōza dumplings and more heavily chilled beer.

As Shoichi turned off the main road that ran from the station in the south of the city towards the northwest and then directly west towards the traditional Japanese ceramics town of Kasama, the light levels dropped and he had to stop momentarily to allow his eyes to re-adjust to the darkness. The densely populated residential districts were characterised by narrow streets cluttered with bicycles, pot plants on multi-tiered aluminium shelving and vending machines selling e-cigarettes, synthetic alcohol and sugar-free soft drinks. The sky was clear and even with some light pollution from the street lamps and neon advertising panels further back on the main road, there were plenty of stars visible. He picked out some of the constellations that he found easy to locate such as Cassiopeia, The Plough and Hercules as well as those that were trickier, including Boötes, Cygnus and Delphinus. Although Shoichi had often thought about, but never made the commitment to buying a telescope, he nevertheless found staring up towards the heavens a peaceful and calming experience that brought some perspective on any challenges he may be facing in his life.  Kimiko in hospital in a serious but stable condition was by far his biggest personal challenge to date. The movement of a cat jumping off a grey mottle-textured brick wall broke his moment of contemplation of life and the workings of the universe and brought his head back down to earth as he made his way further into the neighbourhood of mainly high-end pre-fabricated kit houses of which his own home was one.

Opening the small gate next to the sign on the border wall to the house that let everyone know this was where the Tanakas lived, Shoichi walked up the short path to the front door, positioned his eye in front of the retina scanning equipment – installed as state-of-the-art domestic security when the house was built forty years ago – and pulled open the door once the cartoon bulldog security guard in the small screen mounted under the scanner confirmed his identity, saluted and welcomed him home.

Motion sensors picked up his presence, the lights turned on and the air conditioner beeped, the small flap at the front to direct the air flow opened and emitted the familiar creak of gases moving as the unit fired into life. Shoichi removed his shoes in the genkan entrance, stepped up into the house and padded across the perfectly smooth and level dark-brown stained wooden floorboards into the kitchen to wash his hands and gargle before fetching himself a beer from the refrigerator. As he removed the can from the shelf, a Z-code scanner registered the beer as the second from last one and sent an order through to the local supermarket to add to the list for the next grocery delivery in a few days’ time. Twisting the lid, a hole opened in the top of the can and he poured two-thirds of the beer into a cut-crystal glass given to him as part of a gift set commemorating one hundred and fifty years of the Kirin brewery that also contained twelve cans of Kirin Original Brew.  He ran his fingers over the laser etching of a mythical Chinese chimerical creature called a Qilin, after which the company was named, before bringing the glass to his lips and taking a couple of deep drafts. The chilled liquid was almost painful as it ran down his throat but it was a welcome sensation, in contrast to the numbness of recent months, and he closed his eyes to savour this small sensory pleasure.

Moving through to the living room area of the house and flicking on the holovision with a wave of his hand, he caught the tail end of a late night news broadcast. There was a feature about a man who had been arrested for killing three of his neighbours over a five year period. The familiar shots of police investigators carrying out sealed boxes of evidence from the man’s apartment filled the image field and the story concluded with a summary of events leading up to the arrest from the station’s visibly sleep-deprived reporter. Shoichi felt detached from the emotion he knew he should be feeling towards yet another murder case, his body drained.

Beer finished, Shoichi was too tired to climb the stairs to the bedroom he shared with Kimiko let alone have a shower, so instead unfolded a futon in the Japanese-style tatami room on the ground floor, got undressed, crawled under a light blanket and fell asleep as soon his head hit the buckwheat-filled pillow.

***

Back at the hospital, a part of Kimiko’s brain was waking up. Deep inside the hippocampus were electrical pulses so weak that the doctors would not notice them for another day through the scans they were running routinely to check for any signs of healing but strong enough for Kimiko to start to recall memories from long ago.

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Japan, Writing

Washing Over Me: Prologue

序章

1 January 2011

Steam filled the room as I sat motionless in the bath. Water that was almost too hot for me to bear came right up to my neck, with just my head sticking out above the surface. I had slid open the window that I was now facing and, through the orange glow of a streetlight, could see the snow falling silently onto the roofs of houses across the road from mine. This was my favourite place to be in winter. Temperatures falling to as low as minus ten degrees Celsius at night, and without central heating, I thought to myself that living in the north of Japan was tough.

New Year’s Day had been a typical one and my stomach bulged from all the food that Okāsan, my mother, had prepared and that I had eaten. When I spoke with friends at school about their New Year, I was often jealous of the size of their families and the liveliness of their celebrations. However, when it came down to it, I would not want to spend the time any other way.

Lost in my own thoughts, staring out into the night, I jumped at first when I heard the sliding door to the bathroom opening slowly. Once I saw the outline of Okāsan’s head peeking around the white plastic frame, I breathed a sigh of relief.

 ‘You startled me!’ 

‘Sorry Kimiko, I didn’t mean to scare you,’ Okāsan said. ‘It’s cold, isn’t it? Would you mind if I got into the bath?’

‘Of course, come in. It’s really hot in here!’ I replied.

Okāsan undressed just outside in the senmenjo changing area that contained a top loading washing machine and a fairly modern but well-used vanity sink unit and then stepped into the wetroom to get washed before joining me in the bath. It had been a while, probably close to six months, since we had last bathed together and I couldn’t help but notice that she looked thinner than before. For as long as I can remember taking notice of such things, her body had always been slim, her breasts small, her hips narrow – she was certainly not as curvy as some of the women that I watched in films on television – but the skin seemed to hang a little more from her frame as if the fat had just melted away.

She sat down on the low wooden stool in front of the shower unit and turned it on. I once asked her why hot water smelled different to cold and she told me she thought that it was something to do with minerals in the water giving off odours when heated up.  We were going to look it up on the computer but something distracted us that night and we didn’t get around to it.

I loved the way that she washed her hair; she gave it a real soaking to start with and then spent a long time working in the shampoo using her fingertips, moving in small circles from front to back and then side to side, always four times in each direction. Having done this, she rinsed and then carried out exactly the same movements using some coconut-scented conditioner. For the final rinse, she pushed all of her hair forward and let the water run over it whilst massaging away the little bubbles and soap suds.

As she lowered herself into the bath, the water level rose and some of it sloshed over the side and onto the wetroom floor before draining away. Her face flushed with the heat and it looked as though she had put on some of the rouge that she liked to dab onto her cheeks, especially during the winter when the cold bleached any colour out of her complexion.

‘Oh, that feels good!’ she exclaimed, rubbing the base of her neck, loosening the muscles. ‘This really is the best way to relax. Have you had a good day, Kimiko?’

‘It’s been great, thanks. The food you made was delicious,’ I said, thinking about all that I had eaten.

‘I’m glad that you enjoyed it,’ she said as she gently held my face in her hands to get a closer look at me.

‘Yes, I really did. Look how much I ate!’ I added as I stood up to show her my rounded belly, hard from all the rice, simmered shrimp, grilled sea bream, sweet black beans and pickled vegetables.

‘Wow, I knew that you were getting stuck in but I didn’t realise how full you had got! That makes me very happy to know that you still enjoy my cooking,’ she said patting my stomach.

‘It’s the best. I don’t know what I’d do without you,’ I told her as I sat down again in the water with a splash.

‘Oh well, at least I have my uses!’ Okāsan replied and started laughing.

I don’t know how long we were in the bath that night but by the time we got out our skin was all wrinkled, especially our fingers which looked like umeboshi pickled plums. I can’t even remember what else we talked about but that moment with her is a memory that sticks in my mind. It was the last ever time that Okāsan and I bathed together.

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Japan, Writing

Washing Over Me: Serialising my novel through weekly blog posts

I have decided to serialise my novel, Washing Over Me which I wrote and self-published in 2016, through a series of blogs on this website. Writing this book gave me a huge amount of pleasure and helped me through a tricky stage of my life when I was doing some soul searching, wanting to create something that would define me (as opposed to how I was defined through my family role or through work).

Although it is available on Amazon, where you can purchase a version for Kindle or a print version as well as read through KindleUnlimited, I never shifted the sorts of volumes that meant the algorithm brought this one to the top. Nevertheless, I think it is a story worth telling and sharing more widely.

And so, starting with the synopsis below to whet appetites, I will be creating a new post each week to get my work out there for anyone to read, should they so wish. Enjoy!

Synopsis

In the height of the Tokyo summer, Shoichi sits at his wife’s bedside hoping that today will be the day when she wakes from her coma. Without Kimiko he finds himself lost in the modern world. Frequently daydreaming, his mind wanders back through the past to key moments in their life together: breaded pork cutlets, unusually coloured tomatoes and the most beautiful sunrise he has ever seen. Shoichi also lives in fear. How will he cope with the loss of yet another person whom he loves so dearly?

In the depths of her mind, it is early spring and Kimiko is in Ofunato, a small coastal town in the northeast of Japan. As ten-year-old Kimiko wakes up that morning all she can think about is the cold and how much longer she can stay in bed before succumbing to the aroma from breakfast that is drifting up the stairs. Right up to the point when the earthquake strikes, she has no idea that this is the day when her world will be turned upside down. There is only one person who understands what she went through and she needs to get back to Shoichi again, wherever and whenever he may be.

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Japan, Music

A Different Creative Outlet?

As I have written before, I am absolutely hopeless at sticking to a writing schedule. Well, that’s not strictly true as my job involves a great deal of writing but just not the creative kind. Perhaps there’s not enough going on in my life to have something to say every single day? In fact, I would suggest that much of the content that you see in blogs or on social media is rather drab commentary on life…but I shouldn’t criticise as at least people have more commitment than me!

However, in search of another creative outlet, I came across something called BandLab which is a fairly basic online music-creating tool. It’s free and has a rather nifty AI interface to get you going. I have to say that I have had a great deal of fun messing around with this and think that I have come up with some tracks that, at least to my untrained ear, sound passable.

Here’s one of my favourites called Neon Lights of Tokyo inspired, perhaps not surprisingly, by nights out in the Japanese capital city in the late 1990s. Hope you enjoy it!

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Japan, Reflection

Off to Japan again?

It was 2019 when we last went to Japan. My wife, three boys and I were visiting my wife’s family – her parents and older sister – a trip we have tried to make more often but once every two or three years is about as regularly as we can manage. They live in a city called Kashima (鹿嶋市) which is in Ibaraki Prefecture (茨城県) on the Pacific coast, around a 45 minute drive from Narita International Airport. I spent a couple of years there teaching English at the end of the 1990s, through something called the JET Programme. This was when and where my wife and I met.

Kashima in many ways is a fairly typical mid-sized city situated in the Japanese countryside but at its heart, both geographically and spiritually, is a Shinto shrine called Kashima Jingu (鹿島神宮). Now I am not a religious person, at least not in the practising sense, but each time we go back to Japan I make a point of Kashima Jingu being one of the first places we visit. The forest around the shrine is immense – around 24 hectares or 30 football pitches. It is mainly Japanese cedar including some absolute gigantic trees around 50-60 metres tall and hundreds of years old. In Japan, and around Shinto shrines in particular, the trees themselves are considered to contain their own spirit and have ceremonial ropes hung around their trunks from which hang pieces of paper folded into lightning shapes, very much like the tail of the Pokemon character called Pikachu. As you stand at the base of any of these trees you cannot help but feel a spiritual power contained within them. Indeed, rather like a mobile phone in need of electricity, I swear I can feel my spiritual battery taking a rapid charge whenever I am in their presence.

For obvious reasons, it has been another three years since our last visit and it looks like we might be able to travel as planned this summer. Entry restrictions into Japan are still tight. Much has been made of the opening up of borders in recent weeks, although if you want to go as a tourist at the moment your only option is as part of an official tour group. Fortunately, as we are visiting relatives, I am able to get a visa for that purpose and my kids and wife will be travelling on their Japanese passports.

The trip this year is, unfortunately, tinged with sadness as we won’t be able to see all the usual family members and enjoy what is ordinarily a happy time of reunion. Tragically, my father-in-law passed away suddenly towards the end of last year. It was at the height of the Omicron variant wave of COVID-19 and although my wife was able to get back home, the journey for the rest of us was nigh on impossible with all the travel restrictions and quarantine requirements in place at the time. I don’t think that I have yet fully accepted his death and know that there are going to be some moments of sadness as the realisation that we will not be able to see him again, at least in the normal sense, sinks in. What I would give to enjoy one last visit to the local pub with him for a few drinks. However, there is a very special time of the year in Japan, a festival called Obon, when the spirits of the departed are said to visit the household alters. I am hopeful that us being in Japan around the time of Obon, especially this first one since he departed, will allow us to feel close to him as the gateways between the spirit world and our world open up for a brief moment of convergence.

I plan to write more about my experience in Japan. A meagre two years living there means that I am far from an expert but my time in Kashima has given me a insight into life in Japan quite different from that of those who have only experienced Tokyo or another of the major cities.

Until then, I hope that you enjoy the photos accompanying this blog post and that a little bit of the spiritual calmness rubs off on you.

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Reflection

How do people manage to blog every day?

When I set up this site a few years ago, I thought it was going to be the start of something special. My own platform to write about whatever I liked, whenever I liked. Not about building a brand or an online presence but just a place to capture and order my thoughts as I went about my life.

Roll forward four years and I have written so little here that I am beginning to question if it is worth renewing my domain and hosting subscription the next time it comes around. So why the writer’s block?

I am in awe of those whose lives are so busy or whose thoughts are so profound that they find the time and energy to write on a daily basis. It’s not that my head is empty; if anything, there are too many thoughts, too many emotions flying around in there (see Give your mind a break!) just that I lack that something that compels me to capture these in writing. Or, at least, to capture these in this form of writing.

Is it because I am fundamentally worried about writing something that reveals too much about me? I have pondered this a lot recently as a result of a leadership development programme I am on. Every time the focus of the particular session turns to talking about ourselves I get a familiar knot in my stomach. Ask me to talk about something or someone else, no problem, I would happily blather on for hours on end. Ask me to talk about me and I’m like a rabbit in the headlights. In fact, I wonder if the session earlier this week has given me the impetus to get something written down here today? It was about the power of story telling and using stories as a call to action, to get others to sign up to your cause and lend their support. By the time the facilitator had started to tell us her story, I started to feel very uncomfortable, knowing that my turn was coming soon, albeit talking with just one other person. As it turned out, the colleague I was assigned to in the break-out room did a great job of teasing out my thoughts and I came up with a story of a genuine life experience about supportive and timely access to services that indeed has shaped my values and driven me throughout my career.

Interestingly, I am drawn to telling stories through writing and those who have read my work tell me that the stories and characters in them reveal a lot about me, more so than I had thought when writing them. Is this the light bulb moment? That is, I don’t like to blog as the interaction between me and the reader is too direct? There is no filter of fiction and make believe to allow me to truly open up?

I will reflect on that and, who knows, I might be back again before too long.

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Japan, Reflection

#あれから10年

Today – 11th March 2021 – is the 10th Anniversary of the Great East Japan Earthquake and Tsunami.

The 9.1 Magnitude earthquake struck at 14:46 JST and was the most powerful earthquake recorded in Japan. Honshu, the main island, moved east by 2.4m and the earth shifted on its axis by 10-25cm. The tsunami that followed reached up to 40m in height and travelled at 700km/h.

The tsunami caused the meltdown of three reactors at the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant. Over 150,000 residents within a 20km radius were evacuated. Many will be unable to ever return with estimates that it will be 40 years before radiation levels have fallen to safe levels again.

Over 120,000 buildings totally collapsed, over 280,000 partially collapsed and 700,000 buildings were damaged. 4.4 million households in northern Japan were left without electricity, 1.5 million households without water.

100,000 children were uprooted from their homes. 1,580 children in Miyagi, Iwate and Fukushima Prefectures lost either one or both parents. 378 school students lost their lives, 158 disappeared without a trace.

15,899 people died. 2,525 people went missing and have still not been found.

Japanese TV has had a full schedule of programmes today from formal ceremonies taking place across the country through to individual tales of loss. Every life is precious but the stories of children who were literally swept away by the sea are heartbreaking and even a decade on the grieving process continues. As a parent myself, I cannot or more accurately do not want to dare to imagine the pain of mothers and fathers whose children’s lives were snatched prematurely on that fateful day. The hours of waiting before finding out if their son or daughter was safe must have been unbearable and for those who faced the unthinkable news, I am genuinely lost for words.

On this day each year, I make sure that I find the time to pause for a moment to reflect. This year, I have been thinking mostly about those poor children and hope that their physical lives, whilst short, were happy ones and that their spirits have found a peaceful place of rest.

あの日から10年ですが、忘れない。

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Mindfulness, Motivation, Reflection, Relaxation, Wellbeing

Give your mind a break!

Have you ever thought about how we think?

Well, the science* will tell you that the human brain contains an estimated 100 billion neurons – or nerve cells – interconnected by trillions of connections, called synapses which act like chemical junction boxes. Electrical signals travel along threads, called axons, between the neurons. When the signal reaches the tip of the axon it causes the release of chemical neurotransmitters in the synapse which push the signal out to the target neurons. These target neurons respond with their own electrical signal which then spreads to other neurons. Within a few hundred milliseconds, the signal has spread to billions of neurons in dozens of interconnected areas of the brain.

Pretty exhausting stuff!

Since the beginning of 2021, I have been reflecting on how often my brain is in “thinking mode” and I came to the conclusion that my mind is whirring pretty much all of the time. Most of my waking hours (and sometime my sleeping ones) are spent thinking; and usually either reflecting on the past or concerning myself with the future.

Not one to rush into any New Year’s Resolutions, I decided around the middle of January to see if there was anything out there that I could engage with to start exploring my tendency to be anywhere but the present. I settled – perhaps as a result of my searches on this subject driving some targeted advertising – on Headspace which is a “guide to mindfulness for your everyday life.” I must have set up an account previously and was pleased to see that I could benefit from another free trial without even having to register a different email address!

And so it began.

On a daily basis, I have been popping in my earphones and working my way through the Basics course. Part of the meditation exercise – which is, by its nature, repetitive as it needs to be when learning something new – is to focus on just the breath and in doing so take a welcome break from thinking. Realising when one is thinking and just “noting” this fact before returning to the breath is still something that happens frequently to me during each session . I have a long way to go.

However, I am now 35 days and counting into this journey and have found that putting aside just 10 or 15 minutes each day to not think is reaping rewards. Not only am I able to better concentrate on what I am currently doing, I also feel more relaxed and am experiencing much better quality sleep. Most importantly, I feel more present when with those whom I love, enjoying the moment rather than being distracted with thought. I have signed up for a year so let’s see if I can keep this up!

It goes without saying that the sustained nature of the Covid pandemic has given us even more to think about than usual and so I wanted to share my experience with you in case you identify with anything I have written today and want to make a change.

Give your mind (and those neurons) a break!

******

*Thank you to Elizabeth Dougherty of MIT for putting this in simple enough language for me to understand! https://engineering.mit.edu/engage/ask-an-engineer/what-are-thoughts-made-of/

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Reflection

Before and after

As I sit here on a pleasantly warm and sunny evening in June, I feel, for the first time in a long while, a compulsion to write. This is unusual as it’s typically an emotional event that prompts me to fire up the laptop and start typing; tonight, I feel contented.

But why? We’re in the middle of a global pandemic, life as we knew it has been turned on its head and looks like being severely disrupted for many months to come.

That’s not to say I haven’t been thinking a lot about everything going on around me, just that where we are right now has an eye-of-the-storm calmness about it. The immediate panic-stricken response seems long in the past – even though in reality it was just a few months ago – yet we are far from out of the woods. However, like a toddler walking for the first time, the country is continuing to make small and tentative steps towards restoring life to how it was before. Of course, it might not be like before and I’ve lost count of the number of times people refer to the “new normal” almost to the point it has become a single word.

Newnormal.

I said I was calm tonight, but underneath I feel an underlying sense of unease. Despite the initial baby steps, the appetite is there to lift restrictions at an increasing pace. Once the flood gates have been opened, it’s going to take one hell of an effort to close them again.

Lots of the shops opened up again today and from the pictures online, it seems that thousands of people have been champing at the bit to engage in a bit of retail therapy beyond clicking on the ‘buy now’ button. Is it just herd mentality fuelled by targeted social media advertising or is there a sense of desperation out there from people to rediscover a little of what life was like before all this happened?

I wasn’t one of the thousands and not just because I was working (at home) today. If I’m entirely honest, there is a part of me that is thriving off life at present. Of course, I am devastated by the cost to human life that the world has experienced in the last six months. Easy to forget that every number is a person: a mother, a father, a daughter, a son, a friend, a lover and all those affected by death during these times will, no doubt, wish that none of this ever happened. In that sense, tonight’s words indeed should be taken in perspective and could be perceived as nothing more than some self-indulgent self-reflection. I beg forgiveness if this is how it comes across.

However, I want to tap into something bigger than my own feelings and I suppose I hope that by sharing, I can spark some thoughts in your own minds.

What was life like before?

Routine; busy; daily commute; traffic jams; swimming; face-to-face meetings; planes in the sky; family get-togethers; crowds at football matches; trips to town; rushing; school runs; plenty of pasta; cinema; beer in a pub; freedom to travel; life passing by; and traffic fumes.

The list could go on and these were some that popped into my head. You will see that some of these are aspects of life which I dearly miss but, equally, there are some elements of that life that I could do without experiencing ever again. I genuinely don’t miss the faster pace of life before; the tick tock of my natural metronome is more in step with the tick tock of life around me presently. And I like that.

That said, I do want (and need) to go swimming again and I long for a Sunday roast with all the family talking over each other at the dinner table rather than on a Zoom call. I want a beer in a pub even though a pint costs almost a fiver. I want to travel again. I want my kids to get back to school so they can see their friends and re-start learning in a classroom (or the playground).

Work is going to be an interesting one. Not just for where I work but for companies up and down the country and across the globe. Have we witnessed a seismic shift to virtual companies with almost no office estate? Will those of us who can work from home ever return to the office where we previously spent countless hours? How will we cope in a face-to-face meeting without being able to turn off the camera and microphone for an enormous yawn? Will people still need season tickets or has the daily commute by bus or train had its day?  

Time. I feel I have so much more of it than before. Time for family, time for oneself, time for reflection, time for hobbies, time to waste. Time is the commodity of greatest value that we all seem to have more of. Gone is the harsh 6.15am alarm – I haven’t set my alarm for months – and gone is my morning stomach ache from the mad rush corralling the kids so they are ready in time to leave for school. In fact, as I write this, gone is my cramping stomach altogether. Wow, that’s one I hadn’t clocked until now. The Buscopan will be going out of date!

Could some of this be the newnormal? Or is this merely a holiday from life before, with life after becoming much the same as before. Perhaps my eye-of-the-storm analogy is more fitting than I first thought and this is merely the calm in between before and after with not much changing after all?

I suppose what I want to say is that I hope some of this change is permanent; we should hold on desperately to what we currently have and value so dearly for there is every chance that it will be wrenched from our grasp before we know it and, over the years,  become nothing more than a distant memory. Remember when we baked all that bread? Remember when we went walking every afternoon? Remember all those films we watched as a family? If only we had time to do those things again…

Maybe this is why I have felt compelled to write this evening (it is still warm just a little darker); I want to capture this moment, revel in its calmness and hope that life before and life after are similar…but not the same.

 

 

 

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